What if Your Friends Say, “I Want to Have Healthy Boundaries, But How Can I Figure Them Out?”

Let’s talk about the different types of boundaries you may want to discuss with friends. We find that having an intentional conversation with your friends & partners helps everyone get on the same page and understand what’s going on. There are multiple types of boundaries that you can consider and might want to align for yourself:

Material boundaries:

• What are you comfortable lending out and or sharing with others?
• How long are you comfortable lending it to someone?
• What are your limits on favors and services you are willing to be available for?
• What are your boundaries for use of something you lend out, and what happens is it gets damaged?

Physical Boundaries:

• Personal space: how much physical space do you like to have with friends, family & partners? Are there certain ways you don’t like to be approached (such as having someone walk up behind you)?
• Touching:
  • Who can touch you?
  • How can they touch you?
  • Where can they touch you?
  • When can they touch you?
• Sexual boundaries: Things you like and don’t like. This can be inclusive of your touching boundaries. It can also cover things you have seen and may be interested in trying or activities you definitely don’t want to try.

 Mental Boundaries:

• Thoughts: How do you process thoughts, ideas & concepts and if and when you want to share what you’ve processed?
• Values: How do you know what your needs, wants & values are?
• Opinions: How do you express your opinions, and do you want people around you to express their opinions?
• Beliefs: How do you hold yourself to your values?

 Emotional boundaries:

• Learning how to separate your feelings from other people’s feelings.
• Giving yourself permission to have feelings and not take on the burdens of others.
• Know your worth. You are worthy of love and will not put up with being treated otherwise.
• Be aware of your feelings.
• Be aware of your choices.
• Being aware that you are responsible for you.

 Sexual Boundaries:

• Know and learn activities you might want to try.
• Know what you are open to trying and not open to trying.
• Know what makes you feel good.
• Know the places you like to be touched and places you don’t want to be touched.
• Be open to exploring or learning more about your boundaries by yourself as well as with a partner (if that feels comfortable for you).

 It can be very helpful to figure out your non-sexual boundaries first and then move on to your other boundaries.

There are other boundaries you can talk about with your friends. This is just a starting point to have this important conversation.

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash