Justin Baldoni is the actor that plays the heartthrob in the TV series, Jane the Virgin. He’s speaking out to men about masculinity, and he’s being vulnerable. Here is what Justin is doing to change his version of masculinity.
Much of the following was gleaned from Justin Baldoni’s powerful Ted Talk, “Why I’m done trying to be man enough.” If you can’t watch the whole thing, at least watch the short story starting at 8:50 timestamp. I have sprinkled related and amazing resources throughout the post.
1) Justin stopped pretending he couldn’t feel hurt.
Justin opens with saying, “I’ve been pretending to be a man that I’m not my entire life.” He’s been hiding his emotions to fit in with boys, pretending to be brave when he felt scared.
It reminds me of a powerful poster by crimethinc, that begins with “For every girl who is tired of acting weak when she is strong, there is a boy tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable. For every boy who is burdened with the constant expectation of knowing everything, there is a girl tired of people not trusting her intelligence.”
Justin liberates himself from rigid gender norms by working on to undo the learned behavior of stuffing down his feelings. For Justin Baldoni, he first learned gentleness, nurturing, and tenderness from his dad.
2) He creates experiences where he has to be vulnerable.
Justin probably watched Brené Brown’s ted talk to come up with this one. If you are not one of the nearly 39 million people who have seen Brene Brown’s ted talk on vulnerability, then you should probably do that right now, too. No joke. It will change your life.
If you’ve watch that, then check out Brené’s short animation short on empathy. This video is helpful when talking to teens. Remember to practice empathy when talking to teens about sexual violence.
Back to Justin, he is trying to create opportunities to be real with his guy friends and talk about his fears and the hard stuff. He told a story of having to plan a 3-day guys trip to build up his strength to have real conversations. He did so at the end of the 3rd day.
In this practice of creating experiences where he must be vulnerable, he asks for support. He asks for women to celebrate vulnerability in men. (Author note: Perhaps, everyone celebrate vulnerability in everyone?) If someone is crying in public, don’t tell them to stop crying. Don’t just give them platitudes like, “It’s fine. You’re fine.” Instead, ask why they are upset. (see Empathy video). Listen. Really listen. Don’t try to hide other’s vulnerability. Celebrate and reward it. This might be uncomfortable at first but is important for enabling men (and all people) to embrace their nurturing and vulnerable aspects of themselves.
3) He builds systems of accountability.
I think he’s talking about deep friendship. People who you really talk to, who love you and trust you enough to tell you when you hurt them. Justin advocates for creating relationships that are heartfelt and honest. He says in his ted talk, “My display of vulnerability can give other men permission to do so…As soon as I shared my shame it went away.” Shame flourishes in silence. There is so much shame put onto men. Speaking truth and vulnerability creates feelings of bonding and acceptance.
Who holds you accountable to your values and goals? Who do you trust with your vulnerability and growth?
4) Justin challenges other men.
Justin says men like to be challenged. His challenge for other men is:
are you brave enough to be vulnerable?
Are you strong enough to cry?
Are you confident enough to listen to the women in your life?
Will you be man enough to challenge other men when they engage in “locker room talk”?
He’s even got a series of videos of conversations between men about masculinity, vulnerability, and #metoo. These videos are heartfelt and honest digging into complicated and emotionally charged topics.
5) He looks inside himself at ways he’s unconsciously hurting women in his life. He listens to women in his life.
Justin said it bluntly, “I had to ask myself the question, am I man enough to just shut the hell up and listen?” Men are taking to twitter to respond to #metoo with #howIwillchange. See Bored Panda’s list of their favorite #HowIwillChange tweets.
If you are looking for more resources to support teens and prevent sexual violence, visit www.itstartswithusnm.org. Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and instagram (@startswithusnm) for tips and inspiration.
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