5 Ways to Make Talking about Sex (and Consent) Less Awkward

 Talking about sex may be awkward. It may be awkward because sex is taboo to talk about in our culture. Americans have shame around bodies and sexuality, so talking openly about sex and sexuality may bring up feelings of awkwardness. Many adults are afraid or uncomfortable when teenagers talk about sexuality and sexual activity. They feel out of control and scared for young people’s future. Many young people want more information and more support navigating their sexual feelings and sexual relationships. Sometimes awkwardness gets in the way of having real heart-to-heart conversations with adults and peers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, no matter what, there will probably be a little (or a lot of) awkwardness when talking about sex. That’s normal. The more we practice talking about sexuality and have good healthy boundaries around who and how we share, the less awkward it will become.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are going to have sex, you must be able to talk about sex. If you don’t feel ready to talk about it with your partner, then you should consider if you are ready to have sex and the emotions that come with the experience. It’s ok to wait until you feel comfortable. Maybe the extreme discomfort or awkwardness is your body’s way of saying, “I’m not ready.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you have conversations about sex prior to having sex, you can communicate your needs and boundaries more clearly than when your emotions are high in the heat of the moment. You are much less likely to overstep someone’s boundaries when you have talked about what those boundaries are ahead of time. You are much more likely to get the kind of intimacy you want, when you discuss boundaries before you’re in the moment. You are also more likely to build trust, rather than break it down, when you clearly state your limits and hear your partner’s limits. Here are 5 ways to make talking about sex and getting consent less awkward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1)  Start the conversation long before you’re physically intimate.

 

 

 

Sometimes you’re thinking about it long before it happens, so take a moment when you’re hanging out to bring up the topic of sex. It could be something like, “I really like you, and someday I would be interested in being physically close to you. Is that something you’d want, too?” If there is mutual agreement in this area you could say, “There are some important conversations I would like to have before we do that.” Check out this list of 20 conversation starters for people who want to get intimate with each other.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Having the conversation ahead of time takes a lot of pressure off. This creates more space to be honest and thoughtful in your choices. Having the conversations before getting physically intimate or having sex reduces the likelihood that those conversation would take you both out of the mood. You’ll both be more prepared for the needs and boundaries of the other, and you will probably be more confident (which is sexy). This confidence will be rooted in respect, trust, and communication. Bonus, since you’ve already practiced, you’ll probably be able to talk about your needs and desires better in the heated moments, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) Practice talking about bodies, desires, and limits so that it feels more normal.

 

 

 

These conversations are normal. Millions of people are having them every day. They’re a normal part of human life. Have these conversations with your close friends, your siblings, your crushes, your parents, and trusted adults. Talk about bodies and sexuality because they are part of a healthy human experience. Of course, those conversations sound differently depending on who you are talking to. For instance, you might tell more about your crushes and sexual curiosity to your friend and ask your parents what they know about healthy relationships. If you’re not sure it’s an appropriate conversation, you can ask, “Can I talk to you about __ (insert topic of your choosing)__?” That way your friend, sibling, parent, partner, etc. can consent to this kind of conversation.You may not have had many conversations about physical intimacy or sex, yet. The first ones are usually the most awkward (and/or giggle-inducing), but it will get easier the more you do it. You’ll see it’s actually not as hard as you anticipated. Eventually you’ll know more and more about yourself, your needs and your limits (oh and they are going to change quite a bit over the years). With practice, these conversations will feel more natural and be way less awkward.

 

 

 

3) Always be supportive and accepting, not judgmental or shaming when talking about sex and bodies.

 

 

 

Many people feel insecure about their body. We are sold products by making us feel badly about how we look and perform. So, it’s no wonder we bring those insecurities to the bedroom. Whenever you can, try to be accepting of your and others’ bodies and sexual preferences. Instead of saying, “EW, why would they like that?” say, “Wow, I’m not into that, but everyone likes something different.”

 

 

 

Notice if you comment on or make fun of other people’s bodies. This can be harmful to anyone who hears those comments and can reinforce body shame. Everybody is different, and there is not only one way for a body to look. The less you comment on other people’s bodies, the better you will feel about your own. Practice acceptance of your own body and others.

 

 

 

Show appreciation for your body and your partner’s body. It takes a lot of courage to be open about one’s desires and one’s body. Honor that with appreciation and acceptance. Shame and fear of rejection make conversations about sex uncomfortable. Be accepting and supportive to alleviate some of that awkwardness. Tell them what you love about them.

 

 

 

4) Name the Feeling.

 

One great public speaking tip is to name the feeling you’re having. For some people saying out loud, “I feel nervous right now.” makes them feel more comfortable, because they no longer feel nervous while pretending they are not nervous. The same can be true for feeling awkward. Trying hard not to appear awkward can make a person be more awkward. It becomes about managing the feeling.

 

Why not just name it? Most people are going to relate to you when you say you’re feeling awkward. It could be a point of connection. You could say, “I feel really weird saying this, but…” or “I feel so awkward and embarrassed about talking about sex. I feel it’s too important to let awkwardness keep us from communicating.”

 

5) Use humor.

 

 

 

There’s nothing like a bit of humor to break the awkward situation. Comedian, Hannah Gadsby, says there are two components of a joke, the tension building and the release of tension. The punchline is usually the release. (If you haven’t seen her Netflix’s special, Nanette, do it right now.) So, anytime you find yourself feeling awkward, you can try a little humor to diffuse the tension. You’re already halfway there!

 

 

 

 

 

Written by Alex Ross-Reed (she, her, hers), a sexual violence prevention specialist, health educator, writer, and artist living in Albuquerque, New Mexico.