Conversations about sex and sexuality are an important way to build trust and understanding that may help prevent sexual harm. If you are thinking of starting a sexual relationship with someone, make some space to discuss how you both feel about sex, your bodies, and your limits before you have sex. It’s helpful to be clear and intentional about you and your partner’s preferences and boundaries. When the time comes in which you both want to get intimate or have sex, you have a lot of information already. This makes communication easier and builds trust. If you find these conversations awkward, check out these five ways to make it less awkward.
1. I really like you, and I am excited about thinking of you in a sexual way. Do you think of me like that, too? What does that look like for you?
2. What’s your favorite part of your body and why?
3. Have you discovered something that you really like, sexually? What was it, and how did you learn about it?
4. Have you discovered something that you definitely don’t like, sexually? What was it, and how did you learn about it?
5. What sexual activities do you want to engage in? What are some sexual activities you are comfortable engaging in?
6. What do you say or do if something starts to not feel good? I want to know what to look for and when I should check in.
7. Sometimes, one of us might need a break from being sexual, or we might need to stop entirely. What would be good for you in that moment?
8. I want you to know that I never expect you to do something sexually that you don’t want to do. I won’t keep doing something that hurts me or makes me feel badly. How can we help keep that promise to each other? What happens if we break that promise?
9. Have you ever had any bad experiences with sex? Is there something that triggers you, or takes you out of feeling good in that moment? What can I do to avoid triggering you? What should I do if you do feel that way? Some people like being held, others don’t. What would you like?
10. What words do you like or don’t like to use when talking about your body parts?
11. I ask this of any person I’m sexual with, because being honest and informed is important to me. Have you ever tested positive for an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infections)? How were you treated? When was the last time you were tested for STI’s?
12. What kind of protection do you want to use against STI’s in oral sex? What kind of protection do you want to use against STI’s in penetrative sex? What kinds of protection do you want to use against STI’s and pregnancy during intercourse?
13. Do you have the protection we agreed to use?
14. Are you on birth control? Do you have a latex allergy?
15. Are you thinking of this more as a hookup or a relationship?
16. Do you want to date exclusively? How can we keep each other safe from exposure to STI’s? Would you be willing to tell me if you are sexual with other people? Are you currently seeing anyone else?
17. Can we come to an agreement about not using alcohol or other drugs while being sexual?
18. How much detail about our experiences are you comfortable with me talking about with other people?
19. Are we each comfortable sharing sexy pictures or texts? If so, what are our commitments to each other’s privacy?
20. Can we each promise to tell the other person, if we feel hurt or violated by the other person? Can we each promise to listen to that person and take responsibility for any actions that may have caused harm?
Written by Alex Ross-Reed (she, her, hers), a sexual violence prevention specialist, health educator, writer, and artist living in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
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