How to Support a Friend that Identifies as Non-gender Conforming and Non-binary?

Supporting a friend that identifies as non-gender conforming and non-binary can start with learning the terminology. Lots of people are still learning new terms and concepts about gender, so let’s start with some terms. Some people use the terms gender non-conforming and or non-binary. Non-binary is an umbrella term referring to anyone whose gender does not fit male or female. Genderqueer is a looser term. When used alone, it generally refers to a non-binary identity, but it can be combined with binary identifiers.

This may be confusing as you are trying to understand these aspects of a friend’s identity, but remember that it may also be really confusing for your friend as well. People who are non-binary are constantly hit with media messages that say they don’t exist, and that their way of life is wrong. On top of that, they are trying to figure out what feels good for them and who they are. Having supportive friends is important.

You can help your friend by asking them what they need from their support system to feel validated as who they are. If they want to explore their feminine, masculine or androgynous side, maybe offer to go shopping with them or explore the things that you use in your daily life so they can see if anything resonates. Ask them if they want to talk about what that means to them. Being seen is something that pretty much every person wants to feel, no matter how they identify sexually or how they identify their gender.

Understand that for many people, the idea of “passing” isn’t the goal. They are noticeably moving away from a gender binary.

It’s also important to note that just because your friend identifies as non-gender conforming or non-binary that doesn’t necessarily mean that they identify as transgender. So do not assume. Ask your friend how they would like to be identified.

Here are a few ways that people who identify as gender non-conforming and or non-binary may identify:

• “Zie” (pronounced “z”) is subjective and is used instead of “she” or “he.”
• “Hir” (pronounced “here”) is both objective and possessive and is used instead of “him,” “his,” “her,” and “hers.”
• “They,” “them,” and “their” are also gender-neutral and can be used as singular gender-neutral pronouns.

Using “it” to refer to people is offensive and dehumanizing, so make sure to stick with gender-neutral pronouns when appropriate!

 If your gender non-conforming and or non-binary friend comes to you and says they have been sexually assaulted, remember to ask them what they need at that moment. Don’t attempt to pry a story out of them or put words in their mouths. Listening and believing a survivor is the top priority no matter how someone identifies. There may be a  lot going on for them at that moment,  so handle them with care and listen to what they need. If they state they do not know what they need, you might consider offering a few suggestions:

• A trip to the hospital to make sure they are physically ok
• Help with searching for a therapist or support groups

There are plenty of things you can do, but the most important thing for you to do is to ask them what they need and go from there. Don’t push what you think is best for them. Have resources available or be willing to look for them. Just remember, the best thing you can do is focus on the individual.

Photo by Robert Baker on Unsplash